


Kitchen Confidential

by Laily



Series: The IronStrangeFrost Compendium [8]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Idiots in Love, IronStrange, IronStrangeFrost, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loki is Tony and Stephen's little koala, M/M, Multi, Oblivious Stephen Strange, Polyamory, Romance, Stephen Strange Needs a Hug, Strangefrost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:35:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29370927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laily/pseuds/Laily
Summary: It's Stephen's turn to take Loki out on a one-on-one date. They should have brought Tony along.
Relationships: Loki/Stephen Strange, Loki/Tony Stark, Loki/Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Series: The IronStrangeFrost Compendium [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135610
Comments: 8
Kudos: 88





	Kitchen Confidential

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my beta, Arabesqueangel. 💖

"Are you sure?"

"About what?"

"Are you sure that's what you want?" Stephen asked mildly.

"No, I specifically ordered something off the menu at a restaurant because I wanted to admire it and not eat it."

"You did not order it off the menu, you saw it on the Today's Special board."

Loki gritted his teeth. "And?"

"You shouldn't order seafood when it's on special."

"And why the *bleep* not?" Loki's expletive was bleeped out thanks to Tony who reminded him to tweak his Allspeak setting to 'General Audiences' before they had gone out for the night.

"Loki, I know you're trying to be considerate but please, order something else. Do not worry about expenses."

"I am not trying to - " Loki rolled his eyes. "Fine." 

He scanned the extensive menu again, not recognising half the items, disgusted by the sounds of the rest. 

How these Midgardians treated some of the best meats and produce on Earth was abominable. 

"I'll have the New York strip then," Loki sighed. "Don't bother with the sides." 

"And how would you like it done, Sir?"

"Well done, please." 

Stephen let out a sound. "Ah." 

"What now?" Loki snapped. "I didn't order the sides after you told me restaurants never make them fresh in the house and that if we wanted to eat frozen vegetables we could have done so at home."

"I heard that if you order your steak well done, the chef is just going to give you the toughest, mankiest cut on the grill," Stephen threw a triumphant look at the waiter. "You're better off ordering a burger."

"I do not want a burger," Loki said flatly.

Stephen nodded. "You're right. Why would you want a burger here? That is not what this place is known for."

"Shall I give you a few minutes and come back, Sir?" The waiter asked with a poorly-concealed sigh of exasperation. 

"No," Loki growled. _Spare no expense, eh?_ "I know what I want. Give me the Australian Marron Poached in Echiré Butter and Kashmiri Saffron."

Stephen frowned and bit his lower lip. "When do you fly your exotic seafood in?"

Loki slammed the menu down. The neighbouring tables must have noticed but he wouldn't know. It was good thinking on his part to have buried his face in his hands or he would have reached for his daggers and no one in his vicinity would be safe.

Stephen looked up from his menu in alarm. "Uh, are you - you're not crying, are you?"

"No, Strange, I am not."

"Coz if you really, really want it, you can order it, honestly!" Stephen was starting to ramble in his panic, "As long as you bear in mind that the marron could have been sitting in the freezer since God knows when, what with the mail being really shitty since this whole global pandemic started. I myself have been waiting on this ancient Sumatran relic that is supposedly evil and can only be transported by sea and I'm telling you, cargo shipping's been a bit - "

Loki tuned Stephen out and wished, not for the first time, for the date to be over even before it began.

* * *

"Back so soon, my darlings?"

Loki catapulted his outer coat to the general area where Tony was standing, who caught it without meaning to. 

Wrestling with the weight of all that black leather, Tony caught a mouthful of Loki's cashmere scarf when he tried to speak. 

He sputtered out strands of wool. "Did something happen?"

"More like nothing happened," Stephen mumbled, shuffling to join his husband who was still standing flabbergasted in the middle of the living room with an arm full of leather and knitwear. There was safety in numbers, after all.

They stood watching as Loki raided the refrigerator, slamming bottles and jars on the counter. A head of cabbage rolled across the floor. 

He waved a jerky hand and the stove ignited on its own. Milk poured itself into a bowl, joined a second later by heaps of self-rising flour and a knob of butter. A ghostly hand began whisking the mixture, while Loki raided the dry pantry next.

"Is he making pancakes?" Tony asked incredulously. "Did you not feed him?" 

"Ye-aah, about that…"

Tony braved a few steps toward the kitchen island. "Um...Loki, honey?"

He watched in horror as Loki slapped together a pancake sandwich filled with raw eggplant, crumbled feta cheese, crushed Doritos (for crunch, presumably). For the finishing touch, Loki then topped it all off with an atrocious amout of whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 

"Who finished the caramel sauce?" Loki raged. 

Tony and Stephen exchanged a look. Someone is going to get hurt, it said. 

"Never mind!" Loki snarled, and snatched a bottle of creamy sesame salad dressing out of the fridge door shelf; it looked close enough. "If all you can do is stare at each other like idiots, the least you can do is let me eat my dinner in peace!"

Tony hooked his arm through the bend of Stephen's elbow, who was looking guiltier and guiltier by the second. "Be right back!"

He dragged his husband to one of the rooms he used on-and-off as home office, and hissed, "What the hell, Stephen?" 

"Did you not see what he was making?" Tony asked. "That's his Idiot Sandwich, the one he makes when he's really, really pissed off at one of us! And I've been home all night, so it's definitely not me!"

"I thought that was the honey nut Cheerios with marinara sauce in a six-inch sub?" 

"That's the Hangry Sandwich. He makes that when he's...you know, hangry."

Stephen dropped into the swivel chair and started twiddling his thumbs. "I was only looking out for him."

Tony dumped Loki's coat onto the cluttered computer table and sat on it to keep everything from toppling to the floor. "Start from the beginning."

After listening to Stephen's side of the story, Tony knew he had his work cut out for him. 

"What was wrong with the seabass again?"

"Chefs only put seafood on special when it's about to go off and they want to get rid of it!"

"And the steak?"

"Benzo[a]pyrene is a polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbon that results from incomplete combustion of organic matter, in this case, grilled meats."

"Oh my Lord…"

"It's carcinogenic, Tony! The char on that steak may be the best thing you've eaten in your life, but it is also the thing that cuts it short." Stephen pursed his lips in a stubborn pout. "Not many people know that."

"Right. After all these centuries, you think a steak is going to do him in."

"They cut their steaks very thinly over there, it is very easy to burn thin cuts of meat." 

Now Tony understood. Boy, he was going to go out and buy Loki that damn caramel sauce himself.

"Strange, have you never gone out with anyone before?"

"Of course I have!"

"Before us, I mean," Tony amended. "We love you, so we tend to forgive you a lot more than we should."

"Forgive me?" Stephen balked. "But I didn't do anything wrong!"

"Yeah? Okay. So what was wrong with the shrimp then?"

"It's a crayfish, but yes. I have reservations about ordering something that is only used in one dish on the entire menu. Since it must not be very popular, the freshness of it is...questionable."

"Oh my god, you were dining with a thousand-year-old alien, Stephen, not a three-month-old baby!" 

"Loki has a sensitive stomach, okay?" Stephen said defensively. "Don't you remember what happened after you bought him those roadside hot dogs, when you took him on that date to the zoo?"

"Oh, I get it. You're still sore about me letting him feed your homemade sandwiches to his bird friends."

"No, you're acting like you can't trust me to take our husband out on a one-on-one date," Stephen pointed out. "It's just rubbing me the wrong way."

"Oh, Stephen…" Tony pushed himself off the table and placed himself in his husband's lap. 

"I'm trying, you know."

"I know." Tony teased the wisps of white hair at Stephen's temple with his fingers. "You read Restaurant Secrets 101 just for tonight, didn't you?"

Stephen only nuzzled his head into the crook of Tony's neck unhappily. 

Not one for admitting defeat easily, Tony's fantastic brain began turning. He achieved his Eureka moment not too long after.

"You know what? I believe I may have a solution," Tony said, his eyes as bright as stars. "I don't know why I didn't think of this before, it's so _obvious."_

Stephen listened to the comforting rumble of Tony's voice. "Yeah?"

"We should just go on throuple dates from now on. All the three of us." Tony suggested excitedly. "That way, you get to stop me from spending too much money - "

"Yes, no more dropping $15,000 dollars at the drop of a hat for a Cabernet no matter how special the sommelier makes it sound!"

"But what if it was recovered from a shipwreck?" Tony moaned. "Can't you make any concession for that?"

Stephen rolled his eyes. "Fine. But no later than the 18th century."

"You're a darling." Tony kissed Stephen giddily. "And I will help you...to loosen up."

"Urgh. If you must," Stephen sighed, wrapping his arms around Tony's waist.

"And together, we can keep Loki happy," Tony said. "Hopefully without contracting cancer or any nasty food-borne illness."

"Loki's going to be fine," Tony mumbled in between kisses. "We're going to be fine."

"You're brilliant, have I ever told you that?"

"Not today, you haven't."

Suddenly they heard furious banging on the door. "We're out of caramel sauce!" 

With a synchronous sigh, Tony and Stephen reluctantly broke apart.

"Heads or tails?" Tony asked. 

"I'll go get it." Stephen patted Tony's hip gently and his husband slid off his lap. "This is my mess, I'll clean it up." 

"He likes the one at Walmart," Tony reminded him. "It comes in one-gallon buckets."

"But that's not…" Stephen's voice trailed at the look on Tony's face. "Organic," he finished weakly.

"Fine." Stephen threw his hands up in the air. "Fine!"

He opened the door and came face-to-face with the object of their desire. 

He swallowed hard. "Loki."

"Stephen," Loki said coolly. 

"Wanna come with me to Walmart?"

"Walmart, the magic store?" Loki's entire face lit up, as all anger melted away, Idiot Sandwich forgotten, both husbands forgiven. Maybe they could salvage this date night after all.

"Tony! My coat!"

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Fic title is from the late Anthony Bourdain's autobiography/expose novel.
> 
> 2\. Loki got food poisoning from a hot dog in the fic Wild Encounters. 
> 
> 3\. In the fic Code Red, Wong introduced Loki to Walmart, the store that has everything you need and don't need but simply must get. In other words, Magic! 
> 
> 4\. For research, I read Restaurant Babylon, a novel by Imogen Edwards-Jones. I love her Babylon series. 
> 
> 5\. Idiot Sandwich is an homage to Chef Gordon Ramsay's most famous insult and torture instrument. 
> 
> This is just a silly, no-pressure fic I wrote for fun and stress relief. Hope y'all had fun reading it too! 😘


End file.
